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Parenting a Foster Child

Ashleigh Barraza

Ashleigh Barraza

5/10/2014 

Parenting a foster child has been a lesson in learning for my wife and I. Our previous parenting resume consisted of a Dalmatian and a Great Dane, though we don’t brag much about the Dane, because anyone who has had a Dane will tell you that they are mischievous as well as just plain crazy. The Dalmatian however, is worth bragging about.

On February 22, in a McDonalds parking lot, we were handed a five year old boy and all of his worldly belongings. He came with soiled underwear and a shirt that had been turned inside out to hide the dirt. He had a strong yet terrified look in his eyes, which let us know to tread softly. His previous foster mother was eager to have him out of their tiny three bedroom home that she shared with her husband and five other children, and we were ready to welcome our first child. 

For the past couple of months since he has come to our home, we have spent our days trying to figure out everything we can about this five year old boy who was brought to our doorstep. We have a stack of papers telling us how he came into care, also why he was sent away from six previous foster homes, there are papers from all sorts of doctors telling us he is diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, Situational Depression, Encopresis, Anger issues, learning impairments, behavioral issues, and letters from his teachers telling us that he is failing to meet the necessary educational skills to pass kindergarten. He was failing kindergarten as a result of a previous foster home believing that homework and home study was “not her job” and a public school system that was too overpopulated to reach out to each individual child. 

What those papers don’t tell us is who he is.

When he came into care, he was separated from his brother and sister. His sister had severe parentified behaviors, and his younger brother was a constant source of conflict. His brother and sister are now in separate adoptive homes.

Biological parents have the privilege of learning everything about their child as the child grows. They have the opportunity to protect their child from negative influences, and expose the child to a world they deem safe/acceptable. As a foster parent, we do not have that privilege. 

After three months as a family, we have settled into a routine. We have learned that the situation he came from and the diagnosis he has been assigned may be in our child’s records, but they do not define him as a person. He is kind, funny, compassionate, and artistic. He has brown eyes that are surrounded by eyelashes that would make a super model jealous. He has tiny hands that adore Legos and Lincoln Logs. More than anything else, he loves music. That is our child.

After long hours of study and creative education, he is now passing kindergarten. He reads, he writes, and he is now actively participating in his courses. He tells us that someday, he wants to be a teacher just like the ones that help him. We couldn't be more proud.

Aside from all of the stress of day to day parenting, we still struggle to reach the core of his being. We know that he likes Spiderman, Legos, and art. We know that he dislikes fruit, large bodies of water and insects of any kind. He is afraid of the dark, of being alone, and of anything larger than him… but his most favorite thing, above anything else, is his camera. 

The day I handed him his camera, was the day our relationship truly began. He wanted to learn every button, feature, and setting. To my surprise, he remembered everything I taught him and used those skills to make himself a better photographer. He prioritized his images, and captured the things that he deemed to be significant. Thus we got to know him, through the lens of his camera.